'reign' drops

2003-08-22T02:00:00.000-04:00

i'm not sure what to say, or what to write...
how to make sense, or why i fight
what am i supose to feel?
why am i falling apart?
why am i here
and how the hell do i sleep at night
...thinking
.i'm not alright.
understanding?
that cold air flowing through the window.
your lonely black car
buckling in to an overgrown seat
only to be left watching it eat the road
second after second
carrying, moving, breathing
and thoughts of...
of...frustration
being made to feel
being made to deal
i know you don't understand
when your eyes touch these words
or listen to me explain
why i am the way that i am
but thats okay,
expectations...
are left not to be expected,
and my dreams
were never meant to happen
as these long days become shorter and shorter
and the time never seems to fit into our plans
i lose the day
the sun
the time
the patience
the gratitude

akward silence, and these eyes meet
conversing
spying into our souls
distance
contradiction
pure ironic behavior floundering between the two
drowning
dying
visions of inner eyelids
escaping your stare
escaping your tattered assumptions
undressing my thoughts with your mind
dragging me under
no breath
sinking
thinking about thinking
wondering
why?
....i set myself up only
left to be let down.....
again
and again
i wish i could say how it is
and not mis-inform
mis-lead
mis-direct your feelings towards me
sometimes i just wont be here
and its hard to want to wonder
if my memories are left to be swept under
..hidden..
.and never remembered.

2003-07-23T02:04:00.000-04:00

its never over, its never through, this mask i have, i put on for you.

------------

how do i feel?

lack of motivation.
in need of concetration.
a re-evaluation.
life long citation.
i might be mistaken.
mindless translation.
remains an aggrivation.
my heart needs pulsation.
lost my imagination.
miss-information.
my stupid confrontation.
it needs regulation.
my observation.
of forgotten completion.
i am perfection.
because i give into temptation.
no destination.
becasue of infatuation.
my frustration.
i don't need your admiration.
i need addiction.
i need anticipation.
my desecration.
lonely communication.
of shy hesitation.
your speedy toleration.
i can't compete to devastation.
explored the exploration.
its my tribulation.
all in all a hallucination.
or maybe .obligation.

2003-07-22T01:47:00.000-04:00

__________________________

humanity's dreams

the dreams arn't the same,

the thoughts...they can't contain...

i'm not sure why

maybe I?

...but what do i know

how is it ever since i came

your keeping me sane

from the mess i am

the mess i'm in

the mess

i still have yet to maintain

what i thought i was living in

life

is...

??

...what is life...

conformity?

born to function...

born to be

free to live

..as me??

scheduled...head to toe

pre-arranged death

as who we were meant to be,

how we were meant to follow.

i stand,

alone?

i am,

alone?

i watch,

.alone.

with concerned eyes....

for future mortality

against insanity

humanity

drives in circles

simple priciples

none like my world...

when i sleep

ecountering the deep,

that one big leap

from .reality.

.vitality.

.originality.

or is it..

original

from only me

these words

or thoughts

or the understatement

...of a higher understanding?

transformed

re-arranged

twisted, lingering, imaginary

words

full of life...

or is it death.

.demised.

.decayed.

.extinct.

.immortal.

images of eden

my paradise

different from yours. where...

i stand

alone

and i am

alone

where i watch

alone

with concerned eyes

for humanity's faults

locked. lost. vaults.

prevading

inside

where you know .it hurts.

it hurts?

pain?

sorrow?

guilt?

and redemtion?

and you

malice

thats what describes you

vile,

against your own odds of power

you cause...

the pain.

the sorrow.

the regrets.

the memories.

that won't fade away

i want to say

that it wasn't me

i wasn't there

..lies..

all lies

my soul dies

atleast the part thats here

in this world

where society

"be all you can be"

"don't tread on me"

yes your society...

says that lies

equal life

reduce strife

make something right

the yellow light

proceeding

without the caution

without yeilding

your trash..

you crashed.

this right lie

remains

as a scar

you cant go that far...

on a lie

*sigh*

if only i dreamed this life away

made everything okay

.don't go away.

let me make this right

let me shine the light

and show the way

until i say...

goodnight

2003-07-07T16:21:00.000-04:00

__________________________

the use of humanity

i hate this, everybody uses everybody else...we all know it...we're all okay with it, until it hurts, until it tears someone apart, until it makes you crave for more and more...
tell me what you want
tell me the truth
talk to me like a human being
and not some sort of toy...being used
constantly
until i don't let it
tell me what you want
tell me the truth...
better now then later,
better knowing than searching,
when it could be too late
when its hard to turn back away from the cravings
deny me the responsability to have to say this
to make you want reconstruction
of a torn torn weathered heart

your suddenly something your not
something i never thought you were
or maybe i've seen it
but have been hiding it
because you say one thing
and you do another
i'm waking up slowly
...lonely...
your tearing me limb from limb

i'm waking up cold
i'm looking for answers
you promised me one thing

you promised you would always be there

with all my heart
and all my self
and all the things you are
take me away
with all the selfish things you are
take me away

2003-07-04T18:22:00.000-04:00

__________________________

the universal number.

ah the elusive universal number, the number that can describe anything, that is found in anything, the one that is universal. im pretty sure i started thinking about it in middle school, and ive thought about it since. what i did find though, was maybe there isnt a universal number. there is order, but then again no order at all. the chances are big, the outcomes random, but drowned in these robotic processes that make life..well, life, there is order and routine. ironic isnt it? but even though there may not be a number to organize it all, here are some of the thoughts i came up with..

1 - the lonely number, one sun, one moon, one heart, one life, one chance, one hope, one love, one day, one time, one sky, one earth, one moment, one kiss.

2 - the couples number, two eyes, two sides, two faces, two hearts beating, two star crossed lovers, two doves, two hands, two feet, night and day, love and hate, make or break, rain or shine.

3 - the extras number, past present future, electron proton neutron, third wheel, three wishes, three days, three chances, three love stories, three points, three prongs.

thats all i have..so far...

2003-07-03T17:02:00.000-04:00

i know i know none of those pictures will show up...as you can tell i'm not a computer genius...if you wanna see ugly me then its on my profile but other then that i guess i'll just have to figure out whats wrong with the others

2003-07-02T22:06:00.000-04:00

__________________________

pulling me down

i'm sensitive,
not like the sensitive...see a puppy and get all giggly
but sensitive
where if you come near me i get tense
if you speak i cringe
if you pretend to understand
i yell and scream to you from the inside
if i do one thing wrong
i dwell
and i dwell
i want to be perfect
driven to be the best
and i'm breaking down

i gave in today
i knew it
i sat there and i knew
what the hell did i do about it
nothing
nothing...
i keep holding back
i keep letting go
theres no inbetween
just these two extremes
and no one is ready
i'm not steady

don't walk on me
don't tread you feet across my cracks
becasue sooner or later I'll break
and you won't know why
and won't know what to do
except for the fact it was you along
i'm a pushover, i know it
i'll let you walk
and walk
and walk
but somedays it just gets old
somedays i want to give in
somedays its not worth living in

2003-07-02T02:46:00.000-04:00

__________________________

I Control When Forever Ends

i control when forever ends
destiny lies in my hands alone
no reason to stick it out
abandoned
life doesn't go on for the lucky ones
undeserving of anything good i ever had
but deserving of dispair
sick of fighting
one can only do so much

i control when forever ends
forever lies in my actions, my hands
restless soul,
full of dispair
my shattered soul cries out to you
only to be left alone in the dark
life doesn't go on,
I control when forever ends.

2003-07-01T12:59:00.000-04:00

__________________________

just like before

why do i write
when no one will listen
why to i cry
when nothings missing

why am i so scared
when change is inevitable
why does this life
not render respectable

the conformity of thoughts
the limits of boundaries
the steps of distrust
the songs sung unholy
the candle that burns the darkest light
under watch of fear and fright

"let us not give into temptation"
so he says...
but why do i drag myself to the floor
writting this junk,
just like before
your not here
your not tempting me
your not helping
your not reaching
your not listening
your not speaking
your not lifting me up
or pushing me down
your just not around
its just like before

its your kingdom come
and your gates are closed

2003-06-30T14:41:00.000-04:00

__________________________

questions

don't you see me crying
alone, inside
wishing i could understand
why you died

i think of how i used to be
how i'm wasting my time

why someone would take there life
to allow for mine

but why do i move..
and why do i sing...
when internally
i don't even know what it means

and why does it hurt
to not know inside
how all of these people
arn't scared to abide

...but me...

alone again,
doubting they're words...
burn away this mask i have
how am i to learn

and so still i move...
and still i sing...
with no meaning
with guilt
with regrets
with sin
with the urge to cry outloud..
for something thats not found
with my mask on tight
and feeling the fright
:: they can't be right ::

i know that i'm supose to be somewhere
but your directions wern't clear
i'm searching in the darkness
for you hand i fear
..is gone

all of these people keep telling me
where I'm supose to be
but i don't know how to get there
.::I don't know which path is for me::.

2003-06-29T02:48:00.000-04:00

so things are weird...isn't it how its always been...why do I put myself through the things I do...talking helps...writting helps, even drawing and its amazing how much inspiration you give me. its like power, we all wish we had it until we've got nothing but it...but what I want is something completely different then what I need, what I desire...what makes me weak in the knees in love with love. maybe thats whats wrong, love...stupid little word is supose to mean something so magnificant, it defy's the very point of trying to explain it...the word love is simple and love itself is the most complicated thing in the world...or rather trying to find it and not let it go. keep that in your mind when you say 'i love you' think of the millions of words it uses in those 'simple' 3 words. love...hah love is for dreamers, wonderers...observers...I once loved and wanted to fall in love, but dreams change...wishes linger. fate only takes you so far, after that do what you have to do to get where you want to be...should i go dream..

2003-06-29T02:47:00.002-04:00

...to the eyes of the man
of imagination
nature is imagination itself.
As a man is, so he see's...for I have learned
To look on nature, not as in the hour
Of thoughtless youth, but hearing oftentimes
The still, sad music of humanity

2003-06-29T02:47:00.001-04:00

I begin to weap...in a room with no windows...no portal to the outside world...nothing will come in...and nothing will escape...the walls painted black and the hard cold cement sends chills to every bone...I close my eyes...lying there...breathless...scraping my lungs for one last second of solitude...over and over again I shake uncontrolably...rocking myself into a deep deep sleep...trying to escape the mindless thoughts...again I wake and the tears start to prevade my once soft spoken lips...I begin to rise...put my ear up to the wall...thinking that maybe someone is looking for me..how much I long to be found..the sound of silence...the ironic thoughts of wanting to give in...to let him win...I know he's watching...he can hear me waiting in the silence...can't find my voice...emptiness...nothing left to fear...my words that are but unspoken cry to leave this forbinnen venture...this god forsaken hell away from myself and my surroundings...I'm sickened with the smell of nothing...seeing balck as something more then black...but I still wait...it hasn't sunk in...I can see in the darkness...I can feel the ansense...and I have my wholeness with nothingness inside
so i scream
but no ones hears
and no one looks
my mind goes numb
with these
d
i
e
i
n
g
~ w o r d s

2003-06-29T02:47:00.000-04:00

does thou think that I was put here to please you...to mimic every word you want to hear...I wasn't
I'm not foolish
not pushy
not bitchy
not dead
I don't gossip
don't flaunt it
don't fight it
til the end
I dream
I edure
I desire
I observe
I tremble
I wish
....I conquer the world

2003-06-29T02:46:00.003-04:00

just one of those days..one of those weeks...when I just wish I could be normal again. I've been distracted lately, not grumpy but just not responsive..or indearing, I'm just a blob with feelings that are killing me inside. my writtings are loose..my intentions are unreliable...I'm a complete mess and I just wish someone...anyone would listen to my cry's...would respond if I died...would be the one who looked up if I screamed at the top of my lungs
and so I scream

2003-06-29T02:46:00.002-04:00

Lamenting in solitude, and wishing hopes had been promises...Lonliness fails to fade away.
Gently unfolding my wings, a magical spirit glows from within a dreamscape. Twilight color caresses his beauty, as the evening mists softly envelope the fleeting vision.
The morning is endured...the fantasy of coming down the stairs to the light streaming in from the window...warm rays of new beginnings but yet the chills of reality make me seem foolish...those stairs creak...the sun hides..and the warm rays are replaced with screaming fog, the dark unlit rooms scare me..they make me hold on..no one wakes. there is no sound. I breath and close my eyes. remembering

2003-06-29T02:46:00.001-04:00

"I remember feeling low, I remember losing hope, and I remember all the feelings and the day they stopped"
today is the day I let everything go. as I confess once again to this stupid white screen, sitting here at 6:07 eating my oh so healthy cereal for breakfast...do I have a life or what?
I'm going to make everything perfect, well not actually make but relize how perfect things were in the first place...I can fix being sad, relize that I'm not lonely, try to fix my family or just put up with it, I can turn to my friends for support, ignore the things that bother me about myself like being over critical, thinking about things to much, saying sorry to much, not being myself, blah blah blah and so on...

tears fade, my art decays, my inspiration dries, love falls, destiny is what I'm making it
screw the rules

2003-06-29T02:46:00.000-04:00

nothing new happened...my brothers the same my sisters the same, my parents, my house, my routine..its all the same but I'm not..I keep changing and I'll just sit here, covered head to toe so not to expose myself to the world a perfect picture of a beautiful mistake...my skin is tight and I want to escape it and run, my head aches with thoughts of having to leave the one thing that keeps my head on straight..the more and more I think the more I make less sense of everything..no one speaks to me anymore, i don't speak much my self but theres got to be something that keeps putting me through this, or maybe something that can take me away...far far away
i wait for that day, to get away

2003-06-29T02:45:00.002-04:00

the angel within cries to be heard but laughs at the fact shes a muse to all who try to listen...do not cry for me if I slip away..but don't slip away when I cry for you...my days grow long and my sighs deepen not because I'm losing myself but because nothing changes...so i sit and I stare and a tear tickles my cheek, who will be the one to kiss it away...who will help me escape and run far far away.....who will take me upon my tattered broken wings and fly across the world that seems to darken with every thought of those who make me feel this way...and if no one answers.. I will sit and I will stare into the eyes of the one I desire and no one will be there to catch me if I fall...
do not cry...I will not cry...the words my mind persues can't control my heart...do not cry desiree...I will not cry

2003-06-29T02:45:00.001-04:00

life..won't go..my way..dying inside to see..the light..I pray..and you'll give it away..to me..I'll find..a way..as long as your mine..and we'll lose it in time but its not until
the end.. it was over then but I changed my mind
the end..I lost it once but its back again
the end..nothing here;s to stay but I'm lock away, feeling scared to say the end..the end.
so I'm locked up tight.. and I'm feeling fright..but its allright..cuz the worlds all wrong..but I sing my song..and before long its the
the end..though I thought it started its never over
the end..wish somebody would tell me, that no one cares for
the end..and its all washed up now..the feelings lost yah..but I've started over just to find the end
the trees outside..won't pick a side..and the feelings try to understand..why I'm here..its all a meal...my silly clothes don't shed a tear
but how do I...seem to side...with all of those who say they've died..what a ride..my councious side seems to think that things are headed..to where it started
its all over now, and were backwards to..
the end..we all know that lifes a joke yah
the end..I'm feeling numb and thats the fun
the end..so I'm turning around to find the sound of you, you were the one, the one who said that all of this was just a game, and so you thought that a jokes a joke but it means more when its
the end..you throw your clothes and you touch your toes
the end..the time when mom and dad are gone
the end..time to laugh now, the silly jokes yah that make no sense unless your out of it..but its never enough until you've gone and choked on the words..the end.
my new song...kinda stupid but it sounds great with the guitar riff I got working

2003-06-29T02:45:00.000-04:00

the outkast
that girlroughwho plays football in the mudthough still sweet when the mist of rain hits her face
her laughthat giggle and chucklethat shakes the earthit makes dreams of life like hers
though she only sleeps when its rainingand sighs at the sunthose dreads she bearsand wears to have funmake her...
that girlthat once tomboywho's favorite color was pinkher dirty clotheswith her eyes colored sky
and from width to sizeshe escapes mediaescapes pressureand is unleashed
outkast is shewild and freeoutkast with mefor me is she
the outkastthe title I alone ownfor meand with this title I explain to allwhy that girl is me
I carry no cares and wish on no stars for the hevans are havens for those unlikely scars I keep in mind what I have and not want the outkast am Iwith no seen tear drops

2003-06-29T02:44:00.003-04:00

You don't have to close your eyes'Cause it's standing right here before you

2003-06-29T02:44:00.002-04:00

heres how friday night went - don't laugh i was (i guess) a little out of it -
go to the play round 8 oclock..was pretty good but it was awesome seeing people from last fall when i actually made the short one acts..I sat with ryan hook, a guy who graduated a few years ago but always hung around the group. well about half way through I got a really bad feeling, I'm not crazy i swear but it was kinda lingering in my mind all day and suddenly i felt sick and tired and sad all at the same time..I was worried because just seconds earlier someone who was talking about an employee party (that he didn't go to to go to the play) and about everything that was suposedly going on up there..well this party was the same one that justin was at. Well i had absolutely no problem with him going of course, i really wanted him to have fun and I couldn't wait to hear all about it but the things that those guys were tlaking about made me very very worried..so I'm sitting there in a comidic enviroment thinking to myself everything that could go wrong and its killing me because I really do think that i was being overstressed or overcrazy (guess it seems like the same thing) all i knew was that something was going to go wrong..after the play ryan took a couple of us over to steak and shake to go eat with the crew of the play..in the car I was freaking out, i seriously wanted to cry or puke or scream anything because my head and my heart were playing tricks on me...making me believe that I knew something was going to happen...i stare down the road from the back seat and start to daydream...crashing scretching hurting, i could see a crash in my head..i look down and I don't have my seat belt on, frantically i start looking for it almost near tears so i yelled up front for someone to help me...jokingly they said there was no seat belt and I got freakin pissed and told them to stop the car and I'd rather walk..they calmed me down and helped me find it under the couchin...so we keep going and I feel absolutely stupid and disgusted with freaking out while trying to have a good time...steak n shake i didn't say anything, i still had the bad feeling and I was basically just waiting for someone anyone to show signs of leaving..noone did and after putting up with scarey thoughts of where justin could be at those very seconds i stood up and asked mitch and greatchen to take me home. 15 minutes later they got up and headed for the door and I stayed behind and asked if I could talk to alex ailer...i looked him in the eyes and I told him to pray for me, which he knows I would never ask under normal circumstances because I rarely even attend church if I even knew what church to attend..i only asked him because he was the only one I knew would pray for mr..he told me that if I was worried about driving home then I shouldn't go, that I should wait and go with someone else but I just told him again just please tell me you'll pray for me...I got into mitch's car, back seat without saying a word..before he started his car and they even got in I searched for a seat belt..I found a little piece of it but it was stuck so when they got in and started to pull out I told him to stop cuz I can't get my seatbelt out he said don't worry bout it, and that were only a couple minutes away from my house...harshly (sorry bout that btw) I told him that I had to wear my seatbelt and after a curious look back he stopped and helped me get it out of under the seat...when I got home I wasn't really sure what to think...half the time I was worried I was going to die or something and the other half in the back of my head I was hoping that justin was safe...I couldn't bare thinking about having a goodtime when he;s hurting or something, which is I know stupid to think about but I'd much rather just think that he's safe asleep in his bed
wanna know what I relized through this whole thing? for one thing I am crazy, nothing happened..no crashes, no deaths..no nothing and no matter how much that it is a good thing it just proves how immature I am..but still in the back of my head I think what if I never made ryan stop his car..or what if I never pushed mitch to help me figure the seatbelt out...what if I just unmindly thought that its only one ride, whats the difference nothings going to happen..*sigh* another thing I relized is that I'm falling for justin hard...i couldn't stop thinking about him, and although I was being freakishly worried about him being okay i just remembered how stupid it sounds like becasue I sound like his mother..guess I'm ignorant that way =/ heres to another sleepless night

2003-06-29T02:44:00.001-04:00

"The seething darkness burning your eyes ... your body collapses from lack of strength ... finding yourself screaming at your past, your losing control ... you might not last ..."
"I love u...but i cant tell u that....I whisper it when u arent there, when u turn ur back, when ur asleep, when u leave me alone....."
"I worry that ignorance leads to hatred"
"your the only one that can help don't slip away... here's to my parents beautiful mistake and -here's to the motivation to kick your ass-" I'm young and I'm hopeless" either it's my inspirational prowess ~ oR made up bullshit"

2003-06-29T02:44:00.000-04:00

sometimes you see things that arent really there. sometimes you want things that arent what you need. sometimes, you want to runaway. sometimes, you crash. sometimes, you cant do anything. sometimes, you just let go. sometimes, you just cry.

2003-06-29T02:42:00.000-04:00

*takes a deep breath*
everything is going to be okay, I know deep down that everything will always be okay...as long as I am alive life will be the inspiration out of my fingertips and I need not more then one drop from everyday of morning light...though I have lost my motivation, my will, and my carisma to move on...I will stay strong...I will remember mistakes...and I will take their concequences with open arms
heeding ground, or running away is choice but facing fears is risk
the only way to be strong is to stand my ground, to stop asking for someone else to choose my path, to make my decisions...to stop wanting to be cornered into changing ways
I'm sticking up for what I believe...what I want...what I love...and what I need, facing those who stand in my way, my fears
I'm not giving into this fight, I will not lose myself

It's been a long hard road without you by my sideWhy weren't you there all the nights that I cried?I broke my own heart, yes the scars inside...

2003-06-29T02:41:00.003-04:00

to u my sweet i think i may send u a star across the sky wish upon it and i will say that whatever u wish will come true as long as my love stands for u
u r my moon my sun my stars my grass my sky my tears my heart u make me smile whenever i see u and since u r my everything im smiling always and always for u
*breaths*

2003-06-29T02:41:00.002-04:00

i'm lost for words, for direction, for memory of who i was and who i will be
my future isn't in my hands, becasue I let you walk over me, i let you perswade me to think and act the way you do...my future is in your hands, you stole it when I was vulnerable, and you take it with open arms to throw around like some rag doll
is that all I am to you, a doll to mess with knowing that my strength cannot persue the things I wish to do to you...let me rebel, let me loose of the chains and show you what I've become, what you've made me become
i want to see you lose your breath when you see what you missed, the effect you had upon me, your words and your thoughts have tourchered me for so long and i wish to see that plage return to yours your own verse of solitude and silence
i want to see you scream in guilt, to run away from your ego and your pride...i want to see you alone without thoughts of what will come
i wish upon you the gift of dwelling on the past, your mistakes, your regrets your dying feelings inside...for thats when you know me, when you know how I feel when you are with me
this is a part of what i felt like in my dream last night...these feelings were so intense and painful that I couldn't sleep, i ended up writting about it in a notebook...figuring out where all this pain is coming from and I couldn't figure it out.
its not about a person I know, and its not soemthing that happened to me...
its just something
and nothing
all at the same time.
i am not a poet, i am not an artist, i am not good with words, or being creative, and i am not a writer...
but I am a dreamer
and dreaming is what allows me to write, or create, or explore with words...dreaming is how i understand myself...and as a secret to all the morons who actually spent time reading my crap i put on here, i know who was in my dream and I know exactly what it means

2003-06-29T02:41:00.001-04:00

my motivation seeks remembrance of those who once knew who i was, i've changed and I loathe this reputation, this skin i'm forced to flaunt around, this aching itching cloud that pours rain...the mist that soothes my once cold heart..the rain, the tears that look alike but come from different places, one of hate and one of pain

2003-06-29T02:41:00.000-04:00

::starts over:: Hi, my name is Desiree.
. . dont break down til its over . .
im starting to let go, im starting to forget, the things i used to preoccupy myself with...like other people, the problems in the world, why i dont fit, why i feel this way, why i feel stupid, how i cant get anywhere, how much i try, what i cant do, what i want, what i dont have, who is around me, who am i? im starting to let go of the things that weighed my roaming mind, i used to try the limits, see how far i could go without breaking, but im starting to find out, that im gonna be okay...
for all those who ask "what" and recieve my answer "nothing" you are now being strickened with that word permentally from your vocabulary...because of the fact that when I say "nothing" i mean something to be described as nothing and since there are no other words in the english lanuage to use other then that, and the fact you hate when I say it, i'm just letting you know that I won't say it if you don't ask =P ;)

2003-06-29T02:40:00.001-04:00

Pride can stand a thousand trials
The strong will never fall
But watching stars without you
My soul crys

Heaving hard is full of pain
the aching
'Cause I'm kissing you,
I'm kissing you
.::EDITS AGAIN (again)::.
It's amazing how you
Can speak right to my heart
Without saying a word
You can light up the dark
Try as I may I could never explain
What I hear when you don't say a thing
The smile on your face
Let's me know that you need me
There's a truth in your eyes
Saying you'll never leave me
A touch of your hand
Says you'll catch me if ever I fall
Yeah, you say it best
When you say nothing at all
All day long I can hear
People talking out loud
But when you hold me near
You drown out the crowd
Old Mr. Webster could never define
What's being said between your heart and mine
The smile on your face
Lets me know that you need me
There's a truth in you eyes
Saying you'll never leave me
A touch of your hand
Says you'll catch me
If ever I fall
Yeah, you say it best
When you say nothing at all
The smile on your face
Lets me know that you need me
There's a truth in your eyes
Saying you'll never leave me
A touch of your hand says you'll catch me
If ever I fall
Yeah, you say it best
When you say nothing at all

2003-06-29T02:40:00.000-04:00

::rAnDoM tHoUgHtS::
--i don't know how i feel tomorrow
i don't know what to say tomorrow
its a different day
i'm gonna do what i have to do
just give me a little time--
::eDiTs:: heres just junk =) no one has to read, you know me and my immature thoughts
someone wise - why the windydreams?
[...] because i can't seem to understand where i want my dreams to take me... because i don't quite know what my dream is yet..because i've thrown off my vision with some of the choices i've made. Because my dream is to completely feel a love in me.. and that will stick with me until i've found it, though still i keep my mouth shut most of the time. I just wish i could have someone who i believed in and i knew believed in me- someone who wasn't in it for the physical contact alone, but for my personality, and my eyes, my smile, my fingertips, just as i was for his. I wish that i knew i could turn to someone to comfort me and make me feel beautiful.. someone to make me feel respected [...]
...i think i found him...
--more random thoughts-
I want to get drunk...is that bad?!
heres to my dad "you look at me, see through me, i am nothing to you"
"why did i act like you mattered? it was silly of me to believe, that if i just opened my heart things would come naturally.. baby why arent you missing me? --all the things i wish i said"
when it hurts so bad, why wern't you there? what you want might make you crywhat you need might pass you byif you dont catch itand what you need ironicallywill turn out what you want to beif you just let it--
--and to the wise one...
i woke up and it was raining..seemed like the days have been so sad lately, nothing but the rain outside my window to ease me back to sleep..cold, wet, dead flowers that were once so pretty..do we all die out like that???--
.::eDiTs AgAiN::.
IM :: silence...your words "you are so great" and when I look up I couldn't help but smile my shyest most admiring smile because in that silence he was thinking about me...and then you added "and sexy" and that smile questioned and turned just a little..........but why?
maybe I'm strange and maybe I'm ignorant, but you don't have to make it a mission to make me blush...if you knew me, then you'd know I'd enjoy your sweet voice, or a stupid ramble rather then coming back to the subject that you think I'm sexy every 5 minutes
you know that I love you, yet when I say those words I think to myself if he knows how much it takes for me to push them out, or how much it took to convice myself that what you are to me is love...and maybe I'm wrong..maybe I'm right, whatever I am I'd rather be it then sexy...
...I'd rather be your best friend, or the one you wisper your secrets too...
...i want to have someone to wonder where I am, and wonder what I'm thinking...
not what I'm wearing or what I would be doing if you were here with me
maybe thats the one thing that I've found out moving here so far, that I'm not like the others...and I wish I had someone here that could understand, i hope that you are the one that understands
--life would never seem the same if I didn't have you by my side, helping me every step of the way--

2003-06-29T02:39:00.002-04:00

"reasons" - by desire
crash and burn they say
running away
my pride
my dignity
my honor
they took it away...
crash and burn did they say?
washing away
my guilty words
my selfish soul
that once silently wished death apon those who were perfect
yes crash and burn did they say
with meaning deeper then wishing
when the crash and burn did I listen...
when you look down on me and
my cold closed eyes
you see how I lived how I told all my lies
you see what you did
and you wished you denied
all responcibility
conformity
wished you hadn't preached to me
liberty
minority
our faceless sensibility
you tried to gain the power
but lost it instead
but before I gave into it
i wished you were dead...
to feel the darkness, the coldness,
the wet outside...
the feeling to be alone
with dirt at myside
crash and burn they said
as they bowed to tilt their head...
and down I went
to a rest on my bed

2003-06-29T02:39:00.001-04:00

Consciousness is a much smaller part of our mental life than we are conscious of. How simple that is to say; how difficult to appreciate! It is like asking a flashlight in a dark room to search around for something that does not have any light shining on upon it. The flashlight, since there is light in whatever direction it turns would have to conclude that there is light everywhere. And so consciousness can seem to pervade all mentality when actually it does not.

2003-06-29T02:39:00.000-04:00

HUNT6759 (justin) : i love you
Windydreams8605 (me) : me and sam talked about that a lot last night...i mean about those words...i love you....there interesting arn't they...so much emphisis on words that we absent mindedly say....and you know that I love things about you and that my goal in our relationship right now is to find exactly what saying I love you to you means....so then next time I say i love you....I'm going to mean it...and I'm going to save it, for when I really want you to know

2003-06-29T02:38:00.000-04:00

I'm awake in the afternoon
I fell asleep in the living room
and it's one of those moments
when everything is so clear

before the truth goes back into hiding
I want to decide 'cause it's worth deciding
to work on finding something more than this fear

It takes so much out of me to pretend
tell me now, tell me how to make amends

maybe, I need to see the daylight
to leave behind this half-life
don't you see I'm breaking down

lately, something here don't feel right
this is just a half-life
is there really no escape?
no escape from time
of any kind

I keep trying to understand
this thing and that thing, my fellow man
I guess I'll let you know
when i figure it out

but I don't mind a few mysteries
they can stay that way it's fine by me
and you are another mystery i am missing

It takes so much out of me to pretend

maybe, I need to see the daylight
to leave behind this half-life
don't you see I'm breaking down

Lately, something here don't feel right
this is just a half-life
is there really no escape?
no escape from time
of any kind

'cause lately something here don't feel right
this is just a half-life,
without you I am breaking down

wake me, let me see the daylight
save me from this half-life
let's you and I escape
escape from time
I've been listening to this song over and over and well it reminds me of how I felt talking to sam, or talking to anyone for that matter. I can sit in my room alone and just think..trying to figure out all my mysteries but when I actually try to explain it I see everything that I need to help solve whats wrong or what's right
so thnx sam...and those others who are willing to listen...I'm glad the truth is so easy right now

2003-06-29T02:37:00.001-04:00

drag me down with you, your thoughts so deep and below all others
your lies the worst of anything you've ever said to me...how can it be so easy to stand up to you in my dreams...how can i let myself dream..of you, your scum to me, why do you do this...
you make this complicated, you make this something that its not, you make it so you have control on whatever it is you want...you want me to be proud of you? you want me to lie about the love i have..and now had for you?
draging it out, feeding the feelings is like poison to my heart...an it aches everytime you speak to me and look at her. she deserves more, i deserve more...and you made me believe it was you...but its not, and I see it now
i deserve truth
i deserve honesty
not your lies, and your less then integrity
and so ryan, i bid you goodbye to your past, and to the guy i used to know...because thats who i loved, thats who wouldn't break my heart...you made me scared to be with someone..you made it hard for me to risk everything that you thought I had...
and if I could do it all over again, I'd make you take all of your memories back...what I have now, this life, may not fit just right yet, but its better then pretending that its perfect, like you did

2003-06-29T02:37:00.000-04:00

Oh lord I see her angel eyes,Don't let her blink or my heart might die.Her every move controls my soul,Girls like her make men lose control.With every glance, and every stare,It makes me want to be right there with her…

2003-06-29T02:36:00.001-04:00

Please tell me, You do not love me, Please tell me I am nothing to you, Please, Just one word, To try to forget about you

2003-06-29T02:36:00.000-04:00

Open fields running in his mind, a girl waiting...alone
As he walks to her she asks. "Are you the one?"
He asks. "How long have you been waiting?"
She smiles in answer. "You are the one"
A tilt to his head in response, "How would you know?"
She lifts her head. Behind her, wings, beautiful white wings.
A smirk from her to him.
He asks again. "How would you know if I'm the one?"
A soft elegant response, "Before I saw you, I didn't even know... I had wings".

2003-06-29T02:35:00.003-04:00

My heart aches within from missing you,
My lips long for the feel of kissing you,
Right now all I need is to gently touch your skin,
To look into your eyes and see deep within,
Just one warm embrace,
Just to look upon your face,
Just one little touch,
From the one I love so much,
If I could gaze upon your smile,
For just a little while,
To know that you miss me too,
As I'm thinking of you,
To hear the sound of you breathe,
Knowing you'll never leave,
To see you walk up to me,
Then embrace you tenderly,
To just be with the one who's sent my heart reeling,
And brought about this downpour of emotion and feeling

I want to be with you tonight, because my heart is feeling just right

but it aches within from missing you..

I'm missing you

2003-06-29T02:35:00.002-04:00

see all those people on the ground
wasting time
i try to hold it all inside
but just for tonight
the top of the world
sitting here wishing
the things I've become
that something is missing
maybe I...
but what do I know

and now it seems that i have found
nothing at all
I want to hear your voice out loud
slow it down
without it all
I'm choking on nothing
it's clear in my head
and I'm screaming for something
knowing nothing is better than knowing at all

On My Own

2003-06-29T02:35:00.001-04:00

if i play the music louder and louder..will the whole world drown? will it melt away and be forgotten, can i then escape? can i get out and roll with the waves..to a place far far away from here, loosing myself in space and time, never to look back, or think about you? will i look to the future without fear, can i live my life without doubt, can i be here with no regrets, can i swim in this ocean of dark thoughts and dark clouds overhead plaguing my way, to be happy and comfortable with myself, trusting no one but me? can i not wonder whats on your mind, can i not think at all? can i be at peace, can i not be so angry, so frustrated, so hurt, so tired, so close..? can i have this moment, to be one with everything that i see here, laying before me, to rest my tired feet, to relax my dizzy head on a shoulder that will be there just for me? can i relinquish this hurt, this unwieldy heart of mine, upon some step somewhere else, so that someone can take it off my chest and free me of myself? can i run away from this pauline, to swim and float along, weightless, delicate, gossamer and..free? if i loose myself in the music..in these dark thoughts, in these dark clouds, will i ever find myself again..?

2003-06-29T02:35:00.000-04:00

what started it all was this thought: guys suck (no one inparticular, in general). and then i thought about it a little more, i couldnt be biased and all so i added this one: girls suck too. and then another: i suck. and then finally: humans suck. i wonder now, where that leaves me?

no ones perfect. thats definite. there is nothing so absolute in us humans, we're two sided. we are everything at once, black and white, big and small, knowing but unknowing. im not sure i can handle that, im not sure i can handle myself.

2003-06-29T02:34:00.000-04:00

see me, feel me, miss me, want me when im gone. find me in a crowd, wandering blind, lost and confused. hear me, hold me, kiss me, love me, tell me im yours.

2003-06-28T19:16:00.000-04:00

"Wake up you're dreaming
I can't stand your screaming
Drowning out these prayers
Just some words without meaning.
Spare all the preaching
My secrets worth keeping
No one understands like I do."

Never lied
Never left
Never lived
Never loved
Never lost
Never hurt
Never worry about being me, or anyone else
Not a care, no concern, don't give a shit about
Anything

-truth is i have lied, i've left, i lived, i loved, i lost, i hurt, i worry about being me and everyone else, i care, i have concern, and I give a shit about everything-

2003-06-28T19:12:00.000-04:00

They don't understand
They try but no luck
They say they do
They don't
They say they will help
They won't
They say they feel the pain
They don't understand
They can't comprehend
They make an effort
Not enough of an effort
Nothing will never be enough

2003-06-28T19:11:00.000-04:00

why is it that I see what you can do

why is it i know that you might be there

but I'm locked away

hidden

i cry to feel what they feel

it seems to them of such big deal

but to me

i sit and i stare

and I wonder where

where are those feelings promised

its not like i invisioned it honest

i said it

i didn't mean it

I'm not ready

i don't know you

i don't know them

i didn't see your hand before me, to help me out of the rain

i didn't see you push me to feel that way

if you are here then why do i feel so alone?

why don't i have the strength to say what i feel and do what I say?

2003-06-28T18:19:00.000-04:00

lost in myself.
looking for answers.
waiting for the silence.
wasting my time.
second shelf.
turn away.
someone else is gone.
sorry for the attitude.
no one else will take this from me.
I'm so terrified of no one else but me.
but I'm here all the time.
so i want to go away.
I can't get myself to go away.
oh god I shouldn't feel this way.
reach down your hand in your pocket.
pull out some hope for me.
Its been a long day.
always.
I'm surprised if you believe anything that comes from me.
that i didn't here from you or someone else.
Its so far so fast.
Its me...and I can't get myself to go away.